Galway, Ireland

Oh goodness, writing a poem made me feel so much better. I haven’t been able to write much this month – I think the last poem I wrote was at the beginning of this trip, near a month ago. I love how the writing of a poem can mean such closure for me – as though I can close a door after putting my pain into prose.

Tonight we are in Galway, where we just returned from a pub-hopping four hours where we attempted to find live music. We succeeded in finding it, but along with it came pubs so crowded we could not move, and plenty of sketchy men. It made me wonder whether Lisdoonvarna was really any worse than any other pub on a Saturday night. However, the music we did find was wonderful, with a fiddle, guitar, and accordion, so that made the evening much more complete. That, along with the delicious crepe I had prior to the pubs.

Tomorrow, we head to Limerick, where we spend our last two nights of the trip. Here’s hoping they go well and we end the trip on a high note. I’m not looking forward to figuring out the airport, since Kara leaves at seven in the morning, and I leave at one in the afternoon, and five hours extra in an airport does not sit well with me. I might just have to cough up the extra dough for a taxi, methinks.

There is no doubt in my mind I will be returning here, to Ireland. I just need to remind myself of that. It will make the departure from this beautiful place a bit more bearable.

There’s just such magic here. However, I need to remind myself that the magic is everywhere – it’s merely a matter of living moments as they arrive, and entering the flow of the world around us. I know half my reader’s brains shut off when I start getting all metaphysical and such, but I’m only relaying concepts I believe to be true, and which mean very much to me. Life, and the landscapes within it, has a natural and beautiful flow.

When we enter into the rhythm of the earth’s heartbeat, magical things happen.

It just seems that in Ireland, magical things happen all the time. ☺

Disconnection, Day 9

Feeling disconnected today. That feeling where I’m here but my heart is elsewhere and my mind is hithertoforth and my breath is wherewithal…

If you know what I mean.

Just drank a delicious smoothie, which made everything a little bit better. Even though the tip of my tongue hurts. I think I burned it. No, not with the smoothie. Silly.

I have that listless, slightly befuddled, slightly hopeless feeling. I just get this way sometimes, most likely due to my over-analysis of every little thing, and my ability (or is it a curse?) to feel everything perhaps just a tad too acutely.

I’m just going to keep myself on the road, and eventually I’ll find my way. A door will open and I’ll peak inside, and suddenly be giddy with what lays ahead. I simply need to accustom myself to not always knowing what I’m doing, or where I’m going, or how I’m going to get there.

I miss love; I do. I miss the giddy feelings, I miss the grabbing and the kissing and the feeling that the sky is closer than the earth and the earth is closer than my dreams and my dreams are living, breathing entities I can touch and kiss and pull close to my body.

I have so much love to give. And I realize that one day I will have the opportunity to give it, honorably and completely, and (hopefully) to someone worthy of such love.

I’m hoping that Chas doesn’t mind my quoting of a message he sent me on Writer’s Cafe, but I feel the need to post it here, perhaps simply to remind myself of his words.

“I think what I’m hinting at is the same thing I always say when I review your works: Your essence is beautiful. It’s not just that you **have** a gift; you **are** a gift. We’re so lucky to have someone as genuine and artistic and thoughtful as you; I can’t say all the things that you’ve shown me in the two years since I’ve joined Writer’s Cafe (today’s my 2 year “anniversary”, actually). You just capture things with a different essence altogether than I could even think about enjoying.

So thank you. For everything. :)”

The sweetest thing ever. It made my morning to read it. I’ve received messages and had conversations with people lately that have been really inspiring and encouraging. Which is so important right now; if I was doing this all on my own, I would definitely have many more moments of weakness.

What’s next? Not sure. Georgia, then perhaps Florida, perhaps Tennessee. Maybe I’ll stay here for a few more days. I honestly have no idea. I guess partly because I need to allow this feeling to pass. And I wouldn’t mind a nice tan before I went anywhere else, haha. Replace the pasty white ghost look I’m currently sportin’. 😛



South Carolina

Well, that was a wonderful welcome to the island of Hilton Head, South Carolina. 🙂

I was really nervous, but Sarah welcomed me so nicely, and I felt way more comfortable than I anticipated. I definitely feel like this trip is going to do wonders for my anxiety, and my self-assurance. I barely questioned myself at all this evening. Okay, fine, the shot and the margarita might have helped… but normally nothing ca overpower my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy, especially with people who live in ways I fail at, haha. As I mentioned before – people who have FUN, haha. At least the standardized sort of fun.

Standardized fun. Hm. I’ve been failing that test for years. 😛

On a separate, completely serious note, it’s unbelievable how much my life has changed in a week. I feel like a different person, and I feel like millions of doors have opened up to me – and for the first time in a long time I’m actually excited about walking through them. It’s quite exhilarating. Quite quite.

During my travels today, I had time in the car to think about things. I thought a lot about human relationships, and the human heart, and the whole blasted thing. And for the first time in forever, I didn’t focus on the past. Strangely enough, I didn’t really think about the future either. I just… thought about the whole thing in general. How we feel, how we hurt, how we pine, how we ache.

And I thought about my personal strengths. I understand that the occasional weakness can allow one to feel a sense of freedom and abandonment, but I am strong, and I have strong, sometimes ridiculously honorable values.

Overall, a good thing.

And I suppose we’ll just leave that at that.

Strangely enough, these blogs, and my pictures, have allowed me to connect most with the people I’ve always wished to connect most with. If that makes any sense.

I guess when you run away and the only remnants of yourself that can be found are floating around in the world wide web in typed words and megapixels, you discover who really cares. Who supports you, and who validates your beauty.

So… you know who you are. And I adore you for it. 🙂

PS. stopped by South of the Border, SC (and from what I could discern it’s actually listed as a town on the map) and…

yeah, really sketched out by that place. LOL.

Interconnectedness, Day 8

When one tugs at a single thing in nature, he finds it attached to the rest of the world.

– John Muir

Am I supposed to understand the intricacies of the human heart? No, I am not. However, I am willing to keep learning and growing, and each day understanding the world and human relationships a bit more. Or perhaps never understanding, and learning to accept that, as well. Regardless, I find it fascinating how one twist in the strands can tint a moment different shades, and leave you unable to sleep for hours.

But enough of that. I am vacating North Carolina today, and traipsing down to Hilton Head, South Carolina
to see my friend, Sarah, and spend some time with her there. She recently moved, and she seems excited to (a) have a visitor and (b) have that visitor be me. Sarah is someone whom I have known my whole life, but the social networks involved in growing up always kept us a few steps apart. However, when I do spend time with her, I see many more layers to her than meets the eye, and I feel that we have grown to respect and care for each other a good deal, even if it’s often from afar. So it will be nice to get to know each other a little better, and have a little fun. Sarah likes to have fun, and I’m not really accustomed to that, so it will be interesting to do something different, haha.

Last night I had an interview with a company from Beijing, China. A couple weeks ago I sent out an application, interested in teaching English abroad. Corey thinks the idea is stupid, and I can’t help but understand where he’s coming from. 😛 I was thinking – no matter where I spent my coming year, if it was outside Massachusetts, it would be an entire new world for me. So it is not really necessary to displace myself so extremely as to go to China. However, I will give the idea consideration. They were impressed with my resume, and such an experience would only develop me more profoundly.

Yesterday was an invigorating day. I went for another walk (this time for almost 2 hours) behind Corey & Laura’s condo complex. Each day, I find new paths and new pictures… and it’s just amazing how every hour, each minute, holds something new and beautiful. Nature can teach us so many priceless lessons, if we are only willing to pay attention. And judging by my photography, I have definitely been a star student. I can not stop taking pictures, and doing so has made me ridiculously happy. Each time I capture beauty behind the lens, I feel ready to jump out of my skin with happiness. It’s comforting to know that writing isn’t the only medium through which I can paint. 🙂

After my walk, I decided to shower and go see something new in the town of Raleigh, NC. So I put on one of my new dresses (yay, dresses!) and pressed a bunch of numbers on my GPS, and found my way to the North Carolina Museum of Natural Sciences. It was there that I… learned stuff. Haha. It was nice to take my time and look at the exhibits, and realize that I was far from home, learning stuff. 😛

Following the museum, I made my way to the JC Raulston Arboretum at NC State University. At first I was unimpressed with the gardens, but then as I wandered further into them, a whole universe of colors and light and smells was opened to me. I took about 600 pictures in two hours (ridiculous, I know). I played with light and colors and my new macro lens, and was basically in heaven. My favorite part was taking off my sandals and feeling the grass and dirt beneath my feet, and finding the hidden secrets of the flowers.

I’m getting stronger every day. Stronger, and happier, and more confident. I even felt pretty yesterday (shock of all shocks!), so we know that this trip has already helped me in many ways. When I left Massachusetts, I couldn’t have been much weaker, in spirit and in song. Already, the layers of my happiness and my hope have begun to warm themselves in the sun. I could not be more grateful for this opportunity to feel alive again.