To Fill the Empty Spaces

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”
-Kahlil Gibran

Rock on to my second blog post.

I’ve noticed that people have interpreted various different meanings from their reading of my first post, “Wanderlust”. Some saw and appreciated the journey ahead of me, continuing to support me; some people appreciated and commented on my writing skills (i love you), while others cracked up at and appreciated the humorous bits.

Yet then there was that small percentage of individuals who noticed the maple syrup between the bark. They noticed… the sadness? The desperation, perhaps. They noticed that this was my attempt at ascending from somewhere, and searching again for the sunshine. They noticed the facetious (and yet somehow not) lines considering suicide and it’s potential merits. Those who might have known me in the past noticed a difference, or perhaps a noticeable fading, of my usual optimism and incorrigible twinkle.

By no means do I believe that the twinkle is gone… merely that… perhaps it has been carved out.

There’s a difference between giving up and growing up – at some essential level I know this. However, when Time consistently presents itself as merely being a catalyst for pain and devastation, giving up seems an undeniable part of growing. I have found myself wanting to “give up” again and again these past few years, especially these past few months. Repeatedly I become overwhelmed by the vast expanse of Future, beginning to see it as monstrous evil TIME forging towards me, bringing wave after wave of undulating pain (enter fierce dinosaur-like creature, “Arrrgh”, then pausing to casually check his pocket watch).

Perhaps if I only pictured it that way, I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed. Just slightly befuddled.

Befuddled I can work with.

The empty spaces inside me have developed slowly; slowly, I will nourish these spaces and fill them once more.