Wild Wing Cafe, Savannah

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

– The Velveteen Rabbit

Wasn’t going to write tonight, but figured that if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be remaining honest to myself. Or to you.

The truth is, I’m relatively blue tonight (at least at the moment), which is probably a mix of drinking more than I usually drink (which doesn’t take much), being overwhelmed by slightly crazy people, and having my predominant insecurities careened back to the forefront of my heart.

Of course, it would be ridiculous to believe that I could just get in my car and drive, and magically leave all those things behind.

So I’m being honest here and writing a not-so- happy blog post. I don’t think I’m going to get in to much depth here; in fact, this could potentially be the last paragraph of the entry. I’m just trying to keep the whole thing real.

And the honest truth is that I had a wonderful night. It was amazing to spend time with Sarah – she really is a beautiful person and I felt closer to her than I have in my life. We went to Savannah, with all it’s squares and it’s history, and we hung out with and watched an amazing band, and I danced and laughed, and overall it was quite enjoyable.

I’m honestly not going to get into the things that are bumming me out right now – mostly because I’m so tired of talking about them. Furthermore, it seems that whenever I talk about them, I invariably find myself defending and rationalizing myself and my feelings, and I’m far too tired of doing such things.

So I will sit here with my feelings, nurturing them gently, because I’m tired of voicing them only to be momentarily placated by people’s kind words. Honestly – until I can hold myself as delicately as I hold others, and treat myself with that same respect, then this journey is only mine to take.

Good people, though. Man oh man. The band’s percussionist was this big teddy bear of a black guy, all cuddly and chocolate. He made me happy just to look at him. Whenever I got the opportunity to speak and joke with him, it was as though my heart was all happy. I keep thinking back on him, and his amazing talents on the bongo drums, and reminding myself that beautiful people and beautiful moments are definitely still ahead of me. I will persevere.

Oh yeah, and it’s currently 4:44 A.M.