Blessed. Without conditions.

So I definitely shouldn’t be awake. My mom has this terrible habit of wanting to talk to someone (ie. me) before she goes to work. For those who aren’t aware, my mom’s a school teacher, so this means she has the habit of waking me up “to chat” around 5:30 in the morning. Good times.

I feel very blessed. Overwhelmingly blessed.

Woah back up. Not because my mom wakes me up at ungodly hours. Let’s start this entry fresh. From the beginning.

I feel blessed. Overwhelmingly blessed.

The other day… I figured out what this feeling was, burgeoning inside me, stealing my breath. It feels like I AM IN LOVE. But, not having that type of relationship in my life at the moment… I wondered… in love with whom?

And it hit me.

I’m totally, irrevocably, heads over heels in love with God.

I’ve fallen more deeply in love with him than ever before. I trust him explicitly with everything I am – with all my hopes, dreams, talents, desires, thoughts, fears. I hide nothing from him, and he offers everything to me.  For he loves me so unconditionally. Think about that – unconditionally – without conditions. He loves me without conditions.

So I feel blessed.

It helps that there are currently so many wonderful people in my life. I have never felt so loved by the people around me. I go to rehearsal, and feel consistently adored by these fantastic people… gosh, how they make me smile. How they make me honored to know them. And now I have all these new friends – in and out of the theater. New (and some old) that have come into my life, either again or for the first time. GOOD people – people who make me smile, who make me feel special, who make me feel ALIVE.

I didn’t get the job – the one I’d been waiting to hear back from. And I’m okay with that. I knew something wasn’t right about it. The thing is: if I didn’t get the job, the plan was to leave. Live somewhere else for a while. But suddenly I feel so blessed, and suddenly I’m surrounded by all these wonderful people… all this opportunity. It makes me think twice. It makes me want to hang around and see what happens… what grows… what becomes.  🙂

Regardless, I feel blessed.

I can’t stop smiling. And I can only hope and pray that this isn’t one of those fickle happinesses, that comes and goes with the passing days. What implies to me that this is otherwise… is this deep awareness in my self. I feel as old as time… I feel as though everything is clear to me, everything is peaceful… everything is as it should be. Pain and sadness will come and go, but His love for me remains. My integrity and passions remain. My ability to create and love and stay alive remain… so I will continue to do all those things, and be faithful, and thankful. And become more and more… become more each day.

Things will change, of course. I will make decisions that will alter this place that I’m in. I will choose to spend more time with certain people, to give my heart to them or offer them pieces of me. Some pieces of me will get broken again. I will alter my environment eventually, I will get a job eventually, this wonderful production I’m performing  in closes on Sunday… many things will happen that have the potential to change this current state of wonder I stand in… but I trust… I trust. I trust that Love always remains, and my heart will remain strong and pure… and whatever decisions I make will be initiated from this authentic, beautiful place inside me.