To Manifest My Destiny

Almost two months since my last post. I’ve had a lot to think about since then, and writing about it apparently wasn’t on my mind.

Time has been somewhat of a dilemma for me lately.  I feel it pressing upon me. I think of the mountains and the sky and the road, and I feel so claustrophobic without them. A desperate part of me is urging me forward, towards something invisible and great. I am brave, but I do not know whether I am brave enough.

Sometimes I fear my existential worries will get the best of me. Sometimes I fear going crazy, the way I worry about things while no one else seems too concerned. People quickly change the subject whenever I delve too deeply into my soul. Sometimes I wish I could just think about work and relationships and gas money and sex and food and television. Sometimes I really wish I could find solace in all those things, the way so many seem to do. But I wouldn’t really be alive. And not being alive is my predominant fear these days.

There is so much to do, to see. So much to experience. I have so much inside me. I have the potential to do great things. It’s not hubris that pushes me forward – I know now that I am not proud, I’m not cocky. I have spent so much time afraid of looking proud. But I’m beginning to feel as though… if I let my light fade, I am doing a disservice to the world. God has given me gifts, and if I do not share them, I am wasting my life. Wasting who I am.

Delusions of grandeur? Maybe. Perhaps I need a big ol’ dose of reality. Who knows. All I know is there has been this pressing awareness inside me, for years. For a while I was able to cover it up with classwork and honors and recognition and everything society expected from me… but it’s not enough. I wasn’t actually fulfilling my destiny. I don’t want recognition from anybody else. I’m not looking for anything outside of myself… I just want to give all that I am.

My words. I need to use my words for a higher purpose. I need to infuse people’s lives with light. And love. I need to love people in ways no one has ever loved.

I need to give of myself until I evaporate into the earth and become a part of the roots of the tree.


3 Comments

  1. Tina said,

    June 20, 2009 at 3:52 pm

    Your blog is amazing, I respect your philosophy, I could write comment after comment about your posts, but I found this link and thought of you, and wouldn’t be surprised if you did something similar :

    http://newbohemians.net/luckys-blog-a-true-tale-of-one-pandas-adventures-in-serial-form

    • June 20, 2009 at 5:54 pm

      Thank you, Tina! It meant a lot to me to read your comment today. And I’m definitely a little jealous of someone making a panda blog before me! Haha 🙂 But seriously, thank you for taking the time to say something so nice… means the world to me right now. 🙂

  2. Tina said,

    June 26, 2009 at 12:38 am

    No problem, I’m glad! And I meant every word of it. Reminder, this is Tina D, not Tina B. And this time next year, I’ll be Tina P, so it’ll be even more confusing. 😛


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