To Manifest My Destiny

Almost two months since my last post. I’ve had a lot to think about since then, and writing about it apparently wasn’t on my mind.

Time has been somewhat of a dilemma for me lately.  I feel it pressing upon me. I think of the mountains and the sky and the road, and I feel so claustrophobic without them. A desperate part of me is urging me forward, towards something invisible and great. I am brave, but I do not know whether I am brave enough.

Sometimes I fear my existential worries will get the best of me. Sometimes I fear going crazy, the way I worry about things while no one else seems too concerned. People quickly change the subject whenever I delve too deeply into my soul. Sometimes I wish I could just think about work and relationships and gas money and sex and food and television. Sometimes I really wish I could find solace in all those things, the way so many seem to do. But I wouldn’t really be alive. And not being alive is my predominant fear these days.

There is so much to do, to see. So much to experience. I have so much inside me. I have the potential to do great things. It’s not hubris that pushes me forward – I know now that I am not proud, I’m not cocky. I have spent so much time afraid of looking proud. But I’m beginning to feel as though… if I let my light fade, I am doing a disservice to the world. God has given me gifts, and if I do not share them, I am wasting my life. Wasting who I am.

Delusions of grandeur? Maybe. Perhaps I need a big ol’ dose of reality. Who knows. All I know is there has been this pressing awareness inside me, for years. For a while I was able to cover it up with classwork and honors and recognition and everything society expected from me… but it’s not enough. I wasn’t actually fulfilling my destiny. I don’t want recognition from anybody else. I’m not looking for anything outside of myself… I just want to give all that I am.

My words. I need to use my words for a higher purpose. I need to infuse people’s lives with light. And love. I need to love people in ways no one has ever loved.

I need to give of myself until I evaporate into the earth and become a part of the roots of the tree.