Dizziness of Freedom

I have pinpointed some of the reasons for my current  feelings of ennui and misplacement, but reasons have not led to action, and so I am here… existentially stuck.

There are moments where I can barely breathe, and feel the heavy threat of hopelessness hanging over me. I wonder at the point, at the validity, at the necessity, of anything we ever do. Then there are moments when I feel such a shocking sense of joy that I pause, praying for it to stay. I look around, and I wonder what is so special about this moment that I can feel such vitality, such awareness. No answers are given to me, but in those moments I am grateful. In those moments of joy, I am reminded of what I am working towards at all times – to be fully present, alive, and aware. To be happy.

The weather is of no assistance whatsoever, and I wonder often whether I will be able to make it through another Winter in New England. Then again, nothing compares to those first few breezes of Spring… catching you unaware, and suddenly the whole entire earth is pulsating and new… and you feel invincible.

Still waiting for that moment.

So I think this all stems back to a concept I bring up often, introduced by Kierkegaard: “The Dizziness of Freedom.” I have never known a freedom like the one I have experienced in the past year. The freedom of the road is all-encompassing and dizzying. But I found it beautiful, and safe in its own way. The freedom I am experiencing now is much less inspiring, and much more scary. I currently have the ability to choose the direction of my life. I am healthy, young, single, intelligent (that follows being single), educated, and free of any debt. I am in a position to do absolutely anything.

The dizziness of that freedom inspires an anxiety unlike any I have known before.

My anxiety is basically gone, in so many ways. Things and situations that used to cripple me, barely cause a ruffle. In fact, I started writing this blog entry last week, but never finished:

“I’ve been cleaning my room this evening. First of all, I’d like to mention that I found a $300 paycheck. So that’s sweet. Definitely worth the cleaning session. đŸ™‚ Furthermore, I’ve been sifting through my collection of Fitness, Self, and Health magazine articles that I’ve cut out and organized into folders, being the anal-retentive dorkwad that I am. As I was going through the articles on self-improvement and serenity, etc., I found quite a few that were on the subject of anxiety and stress. I remember now, cutting them out, in a blur of scissors and staples, desperately hoping they could help me – could magically assist me in getting my head in the right place, to help my heart to stop erratically beating.

Now, anywhere between one and five years from the time when those articles were saved, I was able to throw them all away.

I’ve somehow gone from a wound-up ball of nerves and tears to some zenned-out dandelion swaying in the breeze. It’s almost freaky to me, especially since I’m not on any medication to make me this way!”

I never finished that entry, but it felt great to write it. Lately, I have realized how very far I have come – I have grown in ways I was sometimes afraid I never would or could. My self-possession keeps growing and growing. When I speak, or act, or write, it comes directly from my authentic self, rather than some misplaced conceptions about myself or the world.  I am closer to myself than I have ever been.

Yet with this self-possession, comes responsibility. Responsibility to myself, to my dreams, and to the world. Without this awareness, this responsibility, I could simply go on living in the blissful ignorance which so many people seem to manage. Get a job, make some money, complain about my job, spend too much money, and fall into a numb acceptance that this is all life has to offer.

There’s so much more. And I’m capable of living and breathing and creating it. And the dizziness of that freedom is, at times, incapacitating.