Refusal

I just realized a few crucial things.

First of all, I barely know anybody who is happy. And I don’t even mean ‘truly’ happy – I mean happy in any form of the word. I mean mediocre happy. I barely know anybody who is mediocrally happy.

Secondly, the crucial people in my life want me to surrender. They want me to SURRENDER. They want me to surrender myself. My values. My dreams. My authenticity.

Thirdly, people are asleep. They are blind, and they prefer to be blind, because it’s safe that way. And if they stay that way, they never have to pay attention to my first point: that they are not even mediocre.

I could keep numbering my points, but I’m finding that terribly annoying.

In my head I’m thinking quotes like “rage against the machine” and “rat in a cage.”. I’m feeling trapped in a box that for some reason people are determined to keep me in.

Why? Why are people so AFRAID OF ME? Why do my ideas cause them such agitation, make them so uneasy? Why are my values and beliefs worth fighting with me over, and yet other people can be addicted to substances and money and sex, and that’s OKAY? That’s healthy. That’s normal. Would such “normalcy” in me actually placate these key figures in my life? Would they then desist, saying “She has a complete lack of respect for herself, and has traded dreams for reality – thank GOD.”

It all makes me sick. I don’t understand how people can live lives of such quiet desperation, and not do anything about it. And then EXPECT ME to do the same.

I’m ranting. And I’m angry.

I’m never angry.

But there are things to be angry about.

There are things we should simply not accept.



3 Comments

  1. Jess said,

    November 23, 2008 at 8:44 am

    I’m happy! I’m super awesomely happy! We’re going to be buying a house, how awesome is that. Our own home finally, Brian and I are growing up, it feels weird. Ok so we’re doing grown things, mentally we’re still 2-year-olds.

    I don’t know what’s wrong with the people in your life but it seriously sounds like you need to bring some fresh view points into your life. Maybe try and find some people in your area who are more like you, people who actually realize that life is short, it’s not worth moping around being miserable and bringing everyone else down. You need to find the people who value their lives and lives of the people around them.

  2. surrealsparrow said,

    November 23, 2008 at 12:46 pm

    I’m content. Does contentment count as happiness? One can at least be content despite everything, I think.

    I can relate, in a way. The people who surround me do not live, each individual living in a quiet desperation (or not so quiet, which is even worse). One can’t always get away from such people in favor of those who live authentically, when those living in quiet desperation are our family!

    I used to let the stress of everyone else’s desperation define me, but I am choosing to live, now. The real miracle is choosing to live despite the struggles of those around you.

  3. Jack Kendal said,

    December 1, 2008 at 10:18 am

    I’m very happy as I have 2 lovely children and a wonderful wife!


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