Refusal

I just realized a few crucial things.

First of all, I barely know anybody who is happy. And I don’t even mean ‘truly’ happy – I mean happy in any form of the word. I mean mediocre happy. I barely know anybody who is mediocrally happy.

Secondly, the crucial people in my life want me to surrender. They want me to SURRENDER. They want me to surrender myself. My values. My dreams. My authenticity.

Thirdly, people are asleep. They are blind, and they prefer to be blind, because it’s safe that way. And if they stay that way, they never have to pay attention to my first point: that they are not even mediocre.

I could keep numbering my points, but I’m finding that terribly annoying.

In my head I’m thinking quotes like “rage against the machine” and “rat in a cage.”. I’m feeling trapped in a box that for some reason people are determined to keep me in.

Why? Why are people so AFRAID OF ME? Why do my ideas cause them such agitation, make them so uneasy? Why are my values and beliefs worth fighting with me over, and yet other people can be addicted to substances and money and sex, and that’s OKAY? That’s healthy. That’s normal. Would such “normalcy” in me actually placate these key figures in my life? Would they then desist, saying “She has a complete lack of respect for herself, and has traded dreams for reality – thank GOD.”

It all makes me sick. I don’t understand how people can live lives of such quiet desperation, and not do anything about it. And then EXPECT ME to do the same.

I’m ranting. And I’m angry.

I’m never angry.

But there are things to be angry about.

There are things we should simply not accept.