Spaz: in memoriam

My beautiful cat, Spaz, died today.

She was already nearing the end of her life, but no matter how one prepares for such an event, the moment is always too near. She was run over by a truck, which at first struck me harshly, but later I realized this was probably for the best. As my grandpa said, “She didn’t know what hit her,” and as much as his ill-timed humor made me roll my eyes, it’s the truth. Her death was probably quick, whereas old age would have started to hurt more and more as the days went by.

The other evening, I felt the pressure of her laying upon my legs while I was in bed. I was at my mothers; she lives at my father’s house. It was probably this moment that prepared me for the call from Joel today, telling me she had passed. I felt her presence all around me these past couple weeks. Last Friday, I found her sitting beneath some shrubbery, laying resplendently in a pile of autumn leaves. The sun filtered through the branches, and shone on her. She looked lovely, and I captured this moment with a photograph.

So you see, I was well aware her time was coming. And I will let her go as gracefully as I can.

She was such a bitch. From the moment I picked her – at the local animal shelter. All the kittens were laying on top of each other in big balls of furry fluff, but not Spaz. She was maniacally climbing the sides of the cage, meowing as loud as her little lungs would allow her. I knew she was mine from that moment.

Since then, she only responded and showed affection to me (except later on she bestowed such kindness to my Grandpa – who could resist him?) and we had a gentle and wondrous bond. I truly felt that she understood me, and would often give her instructions out loud in English, and she would listen. Every night for years on end she lay on me, either curled upon me, or right upon my legs. I couldn’t move, and the nights weren’t always the most comfortable, but I didn’t care, because we loved each other. I joked every day about her being a bitch, but I do the same with Panda, so perhaps it’s my deranged way of saying I love you.

I’m going to miss Spazzy. She helped me through so much. She helped me through my parent’s divorce and it’s aftereffects. She helped me through my move from my mother’s to my father’s, when life was a mess and I could barely breathe from the pain. She sat with me as I sobbed when a boy continuously broke my heart. She meowed for me when she missed me, she ate the little cat treats I sprinkled across the floor, and she sat outside in the upstairs window, meowing incessantly until I let her in.

I will never forget the gentle pressure of her upon me. Nothing was more comforting than to have her there, purring with joy, loving me in that non-judgmental, unconditional love that only a beloved pet can give. I am without that kind of love in this world now, and that breaks my heart a little. However, Spaz has returned to  that place from which we all originate – the gentle and powerful embrace of the earth. And I will find her there one day, and she will once again meow and purr with joy. Her spirit was strong, and she added to this world with her strength, spunk, and her love. We are without her now, but I will adore her forever.

My beautiful, beautiful Spazzy.


  1. Jess said,

    October 21, 2008 at 9:55 am

    I’m so sorry! Spaz was exactly that, a crazy spaz! I was always nervous to sit on your bed with her there, afraid she was going to pounce on me. I understand what its like to lose the one person/animal that is truly there for you through so much. Print out those pictures and remember the moments. It sounds like you have a good handle on this, at least she led a long and wonderful life.

  2. Rick said,

    October 22, 2008 at 6:14 pm

    Spaz was wonderfully adorable in my eyes. I still remember how set you were on taking care of her when she was ill last year. You knew your cat and no matter what your parents said, you knew how she needed to be treated. A bond like that with an animal is an amazing thing. I’m glad you were able to have your peace when she passed. I was very sad to hear the news, but I’m glad she’s on to a better place. 🙂

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