To Fill the Empty Spaces

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.”
-Kahlil Gibran

Rock on to my second blog post.

I’ve noticed that people have interpreted various different meanings from their reading of my first post, “Wanderlust”. Some saw and appreciated the journey ahead of me, continuing to support me; some people appreciated and commented on my writing skills (i love you), while others cracked up at and appreciated the humorous bits.

Yet then there was that small percentage of individuals who noticed the maple syrup between the bark. They noticed… the sadness? The desperation, perhaps. They noticed that this was my attempt at ascending from somewhere, and searching again for the sunshine. They noticed the facetious (and yet somehow not) lines considering suicide and it’s potential merits. Those who might have known me in the past noticed a difference, or perhaps a noticeable fading, of my usual optimism and incorrigible twinkle.

By no means do I believe that the twinkle is gone… merely that… perhaps it has been carved out.

There’s a difference between giving up and growing up – at some essential level I know this. However, when Time consistently presents itself as merely being a catalyst for pain and devastation, giving up seems an undeniable part of growing. I have found myself wanting to “give up” again and again these past few years, especially these past few months. Repeatedly I become overwhelmed by the vast expanse of Future, beginning to see it as monstrous evil TIME forging towards me, bringing wave after wave of undulating pain (enter fierce dinosaur-like creature, “Arrrgh”, then pausing to casually check his pocket watch).

Perhaps if I only pictured it that way, I wouldn’t be so overwhelmed. Just slightly befuddled.

Befuddled I can work with.

The empty spaces inside me have developed slowly; slowly, I will nourish these spaces and fill them once more.

2 Comments

  1. Leah Elliott Hauge said,

    April 29, 2008 at 7:57 pm

    The honesty in your writing is so refreshing. And your photography is stunning. Best wishes for a safe and insightful journey. I look forward to reading more.

  2. Robin said,

    April 29, 2008 at 9:30 pm

    Your words and ideas fill the empty spaces so fittingly and yes emptily. It seems impossibly trite to say I was here or there because text is bloodless. The words here are like “row, row , row your boat” moving with greater and greater density. Joko Beck once said that in these impossible moments we realize that our expectations are never being met and the ultimate result is disappointment, “a good place to start from”. Like a moment of love’s tiny hands, you will suddenly go blank. And the parts of you that never worked will be gone, and the parts that always did will rise from the ashes with a broader face. In the mean time I know you want those indescribable discoveries: your cup is too full for new tea.
    “we shall not cease from exploration, and at the end of our journey we will return to the place from where we started, knowing it for the first time” TS Eliot.
    love, love love your essence has not left you, but you must leave it, put it down for just a second, and when you next look up the world will be the same, and you will be anew.
    Oh yeah and soooper photography=D.


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