By Kara Emily Krantz

I never thought I would marry.

My parents’ divorce was messy, and echoed throughout the 26 years of my life. I was six when that sacred bond was broken, and the fissure remained in my heart. I grew up misunderstanding the purpose and the purity of marriage, and confused by the seemingly easy destruction of the supposedly sacred bond. I survived, naturally, as so many of us divorced children do. More than that, I thrived. I was an independent, brave, intelligent woman, which only made my disconnection to the concept of marriage that much greater. At 23, I had already received my Masters in Counseling Psychology, I had traveled the world and the country, and I still pulsated with all the potential and adventure inside me. I didn’t need anyone to take care of me, to control my decisions, to limit the possibilities of my life. I was free, and with this freedom I found love for myself, for God, and for life. I did not need the love of a man.

I had a dirty little secret, though, and it lined the multitudes of bookshelves in my room. It was called the historical romance, and tucked within the tabernacles of my heart was the yearning for a love that transcended my 21^st century disillusionment and broken beliefs. The secret was also in the folds of my notebooks, filled with line after line of poetry, overflowing with saccharine sentiment regarding the fulfillment of one person through another, and the grace that comes with loving so madly, so completely.

Human love was almost a mystery to me, though. As much as I adored loving others, I never trusted their love for me. I found it to always be conditional, always based upon my successes, my looks, my charm, my wit. I found love when I brought home a great report card, or a new educational degree, when I lost weight or when I landed the lead in a local play. Unconditional love was tucked among the shelves containing Ancient Greek Mythology and Jane Austen period pieces. It was not made to survive in today’s world of Sex in the City and The Bachelor. Our world appeared to toss love away; American society, to me, seemed to treat commitment as a concept, a lofty ideal that was wonderful to look at but laughable in practice.

I wanted to love, and indeed I did enter into committed relationships. It was within the bounds of these relationships that I was cheated upon, lied to, played with, and broken all the more. Granted, there were moments of happiness, and there were unions where I was treated reasonably well. However, there was never equality, never peace, and never that touch of grace made to steal our breath and inspire us to greatness. I yearned for more, but didn’t dare expect it. I could imagine myself living with someone for twenty years or more, but I did not believe I would marry in this lifetime. I believed that love wasn’t defined by such a union, regardless of how holy or loving the covenant. Every day, we decide how to treat each other, and I would agree to spend my life with someone who respected and adored me in return for my mutual affection. Marriage, however, was not necessary, and perhaps it wasn’t even recommended.

Nevertheless, it was only when I found the delicate, healing love of God, as well as an appreciation for the human love that we all can give each other, that a man I could honor and respect… a man I could marry, came into my life. He was younger than me, less experienced than me, and I shed my skepticism and distrust at the mere touch of his unfiltered, unconditional love. Within months, I had a ring on my finger, and within a few more, I was married.

I am not defined by my childhood experiences. Regardless of how empty, loveless, or abusive the unions I see around me, I am not destined to recreate these patterns. I am allowed to love, allowed to believe in my new, wondrous marriage to a beautiful, benevolent man. I could have continued to hide from love, and I would have continued to have a fulfilling, successful life and career. However, by opening my soul to another, I found my anam cara (my soul mate), the other clay half of my soul, and in an ancient, wonderful way, I have been made complete. Every day I have the opportunity to live in a way that will honor that completion, and allow myself to continue to grow within it.

My life is infused with a new light, a wondrous clarity. Priorities have shifted, and I can barely focus on the aspects of life that appeared to be so important in the past. I am infused with the present moment, and I can not be separated from each individual breath I am allowed to inhale. Love itself – love in a deep, profound way, has filtered through my pores, and I can not imagine another way of living. It will be a struggle, and a journey, but with the help of my husband, and the Lord who has joined us together, I pray we will only grow in innocence, purity, and true affection. Together, we have the ability to be a light for others – a beacon to those who also secretly dream of such a life, such a love.

We can all be a light for others. We learn to love by loving, and the more we give, the more it is returned to us. As a counselor, each day I see people who are hurting, who are crying, who are desperate to be loved. I truly believe that each of us are in pain, each of us suffer inside, and conjointly we also all have the ability to ease the pain of others – to offer a glimpse of hope, of light, even if we ourselves are unsure of the way. For we are all but humans on a journey, and regardless of the path we take, the journey will only last for so long. It is the steps in-between that define us, and have the potential to lead us closer to one another.

I feel very blessed. Overwhelmingly blessed.

Woah back up. Not because my mom wakes me up at ungodly hours. Let’s start this entry fresh. From the beginning.

I feel blessed. Overwhelmingly blessed.

The other day… I figured out what this feeling was, burgeoning inside me, stealing my breath. It feels like I AM IN LOVE. But, not having that type of relationship in my life at the moment… I wondered… in love with whom?

And it hit me.

I’m totally, irrevocably, heads over heels in love with God.

I’ve fallen more deeply in love with him than ever before. I trust him explicitly with everything I am – with all my hopes, dreams, talents, desires, thoughts, fears. I hide nothing from him, and he offers everything to me.  For he loves me so unconditionally. Think about that – unconditionally – without conditions. He loves me without conditions.

So I feel blessed.

It helps that there are currently so many wonderful people in my life. I have never felt so loved by the people around me. I go to rehearsal, and feel consistently adored by these fantastic people… gosh, how they make me smile. How they make me honored to know them. And now I have all these new friends – in and out of the theater. New (and some old) that have come into my life, either again or for the first time. GOOD people – people who make me smile, who make me feel special, who make me feel ALIVE.

I didn’t get the job – the one I’d been waiting to hear back from. And I’m okay with that. I knew something wasn’t right about it. The thing is: if I didn’t get the job, the plan was to leave. Live somewhere else for a while. But suddenly I feel so blessed, and suddenly I’m surrounded by all these wonderful people… all this opportunity. It makes me think twice. It makes me want to hang around and see what happens… what grows… what becomes. 

Regardless, I feel blessed.

I can’t stop smiling. And I can only hope and pray that this isn’t one of those fickle happinesses, that comes and goes with the passing days. What implies to me that this is otherwise… is this deep awareness in my self. I feel as old as time… I feel as though everything is clear to me, everything is peaceful… everything is as it should be. Pain and sadness will come and go, but His love for me remains. My integrity and passions remain. My ability to create and love and stay alive remain… so I will continue to do all those things, and be faithful, and thankful. And become more and more… become more each day.

Things will change, of course. I will make decisions that will alter this place that I’m in. I will choose to spend more time with certain people, to give my heart to them or offer them pieces of me. Some pieces of me will get broken again. I will alter my environment eventually, I will get a job eventually, this wonderful production I’m performing  in closes on Sunday… many things will happen that have the potential to change this current state of wonder I stand in… but I trust… I trust. I trust that Love always remains, and my heart will remain strong and pure… and whatever decisions I make will be initiated from this authentic, beautiful place inside me.

Little did I know. So much was behind those eyes. The truth sat there, bulbous and beautiful, filling his eyes with something dark and deep… something that drew me in and held me breathless.

The truth was that he wasn’t mine at all.

Conflicted, because I’m not sure what scares me more: acquiring a well-paying, respectable job in Worcester, MA, or traveling the country – penniless, aimless, and alone.

Conflicted because I’m pretty sure the second option is the one that’s right for me. However, tomorrow I have an interview with a well-known company, and if they offer me a job, I know I will take it.

How different my life will be. Or… how the same.

I’m conflicted because the rational side of me keeps reminding me that I’m basically broke, while the spirit side of me reminds me that the road provides; God provides. I have never been without. And what I need, more than anything, is to keep my soul alive. To maintain the joy I have discovered these past couple years – the joy that comes with nurturing a courageous sense of self – exploring the world with my bare hands. Writing poetry with my actions, and with my words.

But I’m spoiled.

I’m spoiled, because I can even talk about such things. I have a roof over my head, and my momma’s pot roast in my belly. I have a father that pays my cell phone bill, and an education I acquired with the intelligence I was given by God. I have the opportunity to talk of dreams and spirit and adventure, because worries about paying the rent and feeding the children and keeping warm are not in the forefront of my mind.

So I’m spoiled. And conflicted. And a dreamer.

There must be a balance to it all. Usually, I can maintain some sort of equilibrium, but at a crossroads such as this, it is easy to sway with the winds of indecisiveness & temptation. However, it is equally as tempting to take a well-paying job as it is to traipse about the country. Conflicting sides of me have very persuasive arguments for either option.

In the end, perhaps it will all be completely out of my hands. In the end, perhaps neither option will be truly available to me. What I must remember is this: the beautiful fact of the matter is that I have options at all. I am blessed. I am blessed to have the opportunity… for opportunity.

I’ve been busy trying to stay alive, to stay fully afloat, breathing in the air. Various obstructions and darknesses try to drag me down, submerge me underwater for a while, but I’ve been effectively resisting, thus far. And I feel myself growing ever stronger each day, even if it’s only in small increments, small little spurts of growth and understanding. At least I’m heading in the right direction – at least I’m maintaining all that I have gained, and pursuing all that I continue to want for my life. I keep reminding myself that I haven’t come this far just to settle. I didn’t throw away the chains only to replace them with ropes. I rejected mediocrity, and I pursued outstanding, and I should settle for nothing less than amazing.

Time has been somewhat of a dilemma for me lately.  I feel it pressing upon me. I think of the mountains and the sky and the road, and I feel so claustrophobic without them. A desperate part of me is urging me forward, towards something invisible and great. I am brave, but I do not know whether I am brave enough.

Sometimes I fear my existential worries will get the best of me. Sometimes I fear going crazy, the way I worry about things while no one else seems too concerned. People quickly change the subject whenever I delve too deeply into my soul. Sometimes I wish I could just think about work and relationships and gas money and sex and food and television. Sometimes I really wish I could find solace in all those things, the way so many seem to do. But I wouldn’t really be alive. And not being alive is my predominant fear these days.

There is so much to do, to see. So much to experience. I have so much inside me. I have the potential to do great things. It’s not hubris that pushes me forward – I know now that I am not proud, I’m not cocky. I have spent so much time afraid of looking proud. But I’m beginning to feel as though… if I let my light fade, I am doing a disservice to the world. God has given me gifts, and if I do not share them, I am wasting my life. Wasting who I am.

Delusions of grandeur? Maybe. Perhaps I need a big ol’ dose of reality. Who knows. All I know is there has been this pressing awareness inside me, for years. For a while I was able to cover it up with classwork and honors and recognition and everything society expected from me… but it’s not enough. I wasn’t actually fulfilling my destiny. I don’t want recognition from anybody else. I’m not looking for anything outside of myself… I just want to give all that I am.

My words. I need to use my words for a higher purpose. I need to infuse people’s lives with light. And love. I need to love people in ways no one has ever loved.

I need to give of myself until I evaporate into the earth and become a part of the roots of the tree.

Every line of this list could involve a lifetime of contemplation and learning; most of these concepts are so eternal and true that they represent an ancient and profound awareness in each of us.

I hope everyone, at least once in their lives, takes the time to sit with these ideas, one at a time, and expand the shivering awareness of beauty into their lives.

Kara Emily’s ‘Not So Big Life’:

v     Make a time and place for solitude.

v     Experience, but do not attach, judge, or identify with anything.

v     Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want.

v     Be obedient to the situation.

v     Do one thing at a time.

v     Follow the synchronicities.

v     There is nothing wrong.

v     Everything has the potential to teach you. Look with the eyes of a student.

v     Who or what is deciding there isn’t time?

v     Reactivity is always the result of conditioned patterns and confused thinking, and it’s a flag indicating the presence of a filter over reality.

v     Being in your doing.

v     Surround yourself with objects of delight.

v     Be effective, not efficient.

v     Focus on the meaning, not the contents of your life.

v     Everything is sacred and profound; do not plod along without awareness.

v     The world is just reflecting you back to you. Everything is a reflection.

v     Step outside the experience and be the director of your life.

v     You are much more whole, capable, and profound than the caricature of your personality.

v     Do what is in front of you to do.

v     Do not fall for the container version of time. Do not limit your possibilities.

v     Remember that you do not need to engage or identify with “the” thoughts. They are not yours.

v     The premium you place on your own health and sanity should be nonnegotiable.

v     Repeatedly wake yourself up.

v     Identify what isn’t working.

v     The only problem is the way you are looking at things.

v     Make room for something new.

v     Follow your passions.

v     Do now waste your time reacting to things that are in the past.

v     Presence is now, and now is eternal, without boundary.

v     Time is not a linear progression, but one continuously unfolding moment.

v     The moment of experiencing is the only time there is.

v     Always have a light to walk toward.

v     Surround yourself with friends who help you to live into the realization of your true self.

v     Surround yourself with people who see your highest potential, and insist that you strive for it.

v     By experiencing completely, we are always and inevitably becoming more.

v     Always test your beliefs. Do not let them define your existence.

v     Do not create your own prison of unexamined limitations.

v     Activity is a veil over the vitality of the unfolding moment.

v     Widen the aperture of your understanding.

v     Your entire life, over time, becomes the meditation.

v     Do not allow yourself to go back to sleep and continue to think you are now awake.

Encouraged by my aunt, Heidi, I have finally been reading Sarah Susanka’s The Not So Big Life: making room for what really matters. Fantastic book. Oftentimes, when reading “self-help” sort of material, I get easily frustrated and annoyed, for various reasons: (a) often I find them cliché and poorly written, which naturally leads to me thinking (b) I could have written a much better, much more inspiring book, and therefore (c) I’m wasting my time.

However, from the first few pages I have been dually impressed and affected by this soulful, authentic book. Ms. Susanka has copiously collected experiences and moments from her life that, once synthesized, offer us a glimpse at the way life can be lived, and how very far societal norms and values have led us astray. Using her experience as an architect/home designer, she has applied concepts from her life’s work to create a brand new language for living. Through this, she teaches her readers how much we can grow, and how many ways we can learn, merely by being present to the unfolding moments in our lives. My frustration over not having written what I want to write, or not having expressed myself the ways I wish to, should not affect my ability to synthesize new information. Who knows how many opportunities for growth and beauty I have lost due to my inability to look past myself and my own insecurities and misplaced personal frustrations.

Everything I have been learning and realizing these past few years has led me a place where I am ripe with potential. I have been walking this fine precipice between Awake and Asleep. Occasionally I glance over the edge, terrified by all that the fall both has to offer and take from me. Sometimes I worry that if I step that next step, into the beautiful unknown, that I will be even more alone. I will be deemed that much crazier. However, a very deep and elemental part of me assures me this is not the case; it assures me that when I finally take that step, the world will be open to me in ways I never dreamed possible; I will be welcomed into the embrace of the Everything that Is. And I know, deep inside, that I truly can be that change I wish to see in the world.

I have embraced the essential and profound levels of dorkdom within myself, and started a new blog (don’t worry, it’s just an extra bit of madness – I will still blog here).

You can find my other blog here:

Kara Emily’s Bookshelf

And I have nothing more to say for myself.