Mas de San Antonio, TX

July 17, 2008 at 3:33 pm (Life)

I’m in a random library on the outskirts of San Antonio, waiting for Joshua to be done with that silly work thing he does. I’m doing better today than I thought I would – I checked out only reasonably late from the resort, and then headed over to the Witte Museum, where I learned muchos about South Texas history through the ages. There was also a Leonardo Da Vinci exhibit currently being displayed, and that was darn interesting, as well. The main point, however, was that it passed three hours of my time in a cool, intellectually stimulating climate (and I didn’t really care either way about the intellectual part).

I’ve wanted to write something lately – something fictional, I think. But I’m afraid that’s mostly because I’m terrified about writing anything non-fictional or autobiographical, since even these blogs seem to somehow get me into trouble.

I understand that the life of a writer, if I decide to choose such a path (and is it really even a choice? without it, I fade away), is a difficult one – a lonely one, and oftentimes one where honesty only results in becoming ostracized. I need to somehow accept the fact that although my words may have a positive effect on the world in general, they will most likely have a deleterious effect on my own life.

That is, unless I surround myself with people who understand my needs, my soul, and my passions.

So apparently this writer’s life truly has no positives. Other than relieving this desperate need to create.

Tzahi (who wants me to call him Zach) is a young man from Israel who is currently traveling the United States. He was in New Orleans just as I was leaving, and although we never met, I believe he is heading to San Antonio as we speak. His hopes are to join me on my way to California. No idea how I feel about this – but I was honest with him and told him that my plans are completely up in the air right now, and he shouldn’t rely on me. He was undeterred and said that he will find his way regardless, but would like to think that I would enjoy a companion on the road.

So we’ll see. At least it would be a nice twist in the storyline (isn’t it morbid that as writers we think that way?) Not sure whether morbid would be the right word to use there, but it seemed applicable at the time of typing.

I also wanted to point out that the main person to cheer me yesterday was Kiran, my friend from Hong Kong. He is usually callous and cruel to me, but with a few drinks, lots of sunshine, and lack of sleep, he can apparently be quite wonderful. :) Out of respect for, well, everyone, I will leave out some of the more flavorful parts of the conversation, but these are his words (words which I wish to remind myself of):

Kiran: no, seriously, don’t you think you’re yummy?

well YOU ARE loveyou need to hold on to that truthif i were there, i would follow you around like a love sick dog

no seriously though, you underrate yourself;
you are gorgeous
its that you dont accept it and therefore it gets hidden from othersand i’m not just talking physical

Kiran: when you really write stuff, my god, it’s like i’m there with you. i feel my heart’s going to burst
or it’s singing with your songs

Kiran: i just really wish you’d stop letting other people take you down and get a grip and realize what an amazing woman you are
and freaking go out and change the world
Kiran: kara
love
you’re strong
you’re smart
you’re beautiful
and you’re just yummy
just accept the damn thing so i can stop being nice.
I’m assuming that Kiran will not mind me shamelessly exposing his secret kindness, but I felt that it needed to be showcased. Even if only to remind myself that there are people out there who see me, and believe in me, and expect great things from this “whiny little white girl” as Kiran also so sweetly puts it.

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San Antonio, Texas

July 17, 2008 at 1:01 am (Biography, Friends, Life, Travel)
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I dropped Mom off at the airport today, hugged her goodbye, and went back to sit in my car. Alone. It felt almost surreal to be all alone again, this time halfway across the country.

It has been a month since I arrived in Eunice, LA, and what ‘a long strange trip it’s been’. :) Furthermore, for the past two weeks, Mom and I have been vacationing essentially by ourselves – first to New Orleans, and then Texas.

Without meaning to sound even remotely insulting to my mother, for I had a great time with her, but the past month has definitely thrown me off. Some of my strength and passion dissipated, and I felt myself being drawn back into that shell… away from the light, not only of the world, but the light within myself. However, after enough moping around and introspective thought today, I came to the conclusion that it was probably good for me, since it reminded me of my original goals, and where I had strayed. It hopefully will assist me in getting back on track, and learning how to be strong – as Kara Emily Krantz. This showed me that there needs to be a balance between the dream of me, and the reality of the world. One can only press oneself so insistently and suddenly upon the world… an imprint needs to be made slowly, and with care.

I had started to get close to an affirming, authentic sense of unshakable self, but apparently it is still very shakeable, for the past few weeks have been rough on me.

But other than that…

Mom and I went to the San Antonio Zoo, which was fantastic, even though it was unbearably hot (as mostly everywhere is here). It’s been really fun to go to all these zoos – as I’ve mentioned before, the zoo has a special place in my heart. The little 5-year-old in me recalls those last fading moments of innocence, when family was a unit and all that mattered was the Panda Bears. :)

We also went to The Alamo (wayyyy lame I don’t want to talk about it), Mission San Jose (awesome) where there was a fantastic documentary that simply blew me away. Yesterday… Mom and I went to New Braunfels where the world’s number one water park is located, Schlitterbaun… which basically resulted in a day of HELL. But I’ve never been a big fan of water parks. Haha. Oh man. Quite the day, though.

We stayed in a beautiful hotel resort, where I am tonight by myself (Mom gave me the last night), and we walked down the Riverwalk (which contrary to Joshua’s opinion I found to be beautiful and wonderful), and walked through the shops in La Villita, and had a great steak dinner (and some horrible tex-mex). We met up with Joshua twice, and my mom actually liked him (which is shocking- she’s not a fan of the opposite sex, especially if they’re talking to ME). She even dreamed about him last night, but I didn’t tell him that. He’ll have to find that out when he reads this, haha. :P

But now Mom is gone, and I’m here alone. Went through a melancholy, emo stage for a while where I crawled into bed and pouted, but a few friends rallied for me, and I knocked myself out of it. Walked down the Riverwalk by myself, took some pictures, packed up the car, and I’m basically all better. Just trying to get up the energy to keep working on my cocoon, and hopefully, eventually become that butterfly. Like I said, there’s been some serious setbacks these past few weeks, but it’s all right. God doesn’t give us anything that we can’t handle, and I’m starting to think that nothing happens that isn’t meant to occur at a given time – to assist us or confront us along this winding, often dirt-trodden path.

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