Kara Emily’s Hearth

Almost two months since my last post. I’ve had a lot to think about since then, and writing about it apparently wasn’t on my mind.

Time has been somewhat of a dilemma for me lately.  I feel it pressing upon me. I think of the mountains and the sky and the road, and I feel so claustrophobic without them. A desperate part of me is urging me forward, towards something invisible and great. I am brave, but I do not know whether I am brave enough.

Sometimes I fear my existential worries will get the best of me. Sometimes I fear going crazy, the way I worry about things while no one else seems too concerned. People quickly change the subject whenever I delve too deeply into my soul. Sometimes I wish I could just think about work and relationships and gas money and sex and food and television. Sometimes I really wish I could find solace in all those things, the way so many seem to do. But I wouldn’t really be alive. And not being alive is my predominant fear these days.

There is so much to do, to see. So much to experience. I have so much inside me. I have the potential to do great things. It’s not hubris that pushes me forward – I know now that I am not proud, I’m not cocky. I have spent so much time afraid of looking proud. But I’m beginning to feel as though… if I let my light fade, I am doing a disservice to the world. God has given me gifts, and if I do not share them, I am wasting my life. Wasting who I am.

Delusions of grandeur? Maybe. Perhaps I need a big ol’ dose of reality. Who knows. All I know is there has been this pressing awareness inside me, for years. For a while I was able to cover it up with classwork and honors and recognition and everything society expected from me… but it’s not enough. I wasn’t actually fulfilling my destiny. I don’t want recognition from anybody else. I’m not looking for anything outside of myself… I just want to give all that I am.

My words. I need to use my words for a higher purpose. I need to infuse people’s lives with light. And love. I need to love people in ways no one has ever loved.

I need to give of myself until I evaporate into the earth and become a part of the roots of the tree.

 I have created the following list of “reminders” based upon my reading of Sarah Susanka’s book The Not So Big Life: making room for what really matters. My intention with this list is to have a resource to refer to that will allow me to continuously and repeatedly keep myself Awake.

Every line of this list could involve a lifetime of contemplation and learning; most of these concepts are so eternal and true that they represent an ancient and profound awareness in each of us.

I hope everyone, at least once in their lives, takes the time to sit with these ideas, one at a time, and expand the shivering awareness of beauty into their lives.

Kara Emily’s ‘Not So Big Life’:

v     Make a time and place for solitude.

v     Experience, but do not attach, judge, or identify with anything.

v     Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want.

v     Be obedient to the situation.

v     Do one thing at a time.

v     Follow the synchronicities.

v     There is nothing wrong.

v     Everything has the potential to teach you. Look with the eyes of a student.

v     Who or what is deciding there isn’t time?

v     Reactivity is always the result of conditioned patterns and confused thinking, and it’s a flag indicating the presence of a filter over reality.

v     Being in your doing.

v     Surround yourself with objects of delight.

v     Be effective, not efficient.

v     Focus on the meaning, not the contents of your life.

v     Everything is sacred and profound; do not plod along without awareness.

v     The world is just reflecting you back to you. Everything is a reflection.

v     Step outside the experience and be the director of your life.

v     You are much more whole, capable, and profound than the caricature of your personality.

v     Do what is in front of you to do.

v     Do not fall for the container version of time. Do not limit your possibilities.

v     Remember that you do not need to engage or identify with “the” thoughts. They are not yours.

v     The premium you place on your own health and sanity should be nonnegotiable.

v     Repeatedly wake yourself up.

v     Identify what isn’t working.

v     The only problem is the way you are looking at things.

v     Make room for something new.

v     Follow your passions.

v     Do now waste your time reacting to things that are in the past.

v     Presence is now, and now is eternal, without boundary.

v     Time is not a linear progression, but one continuously unfolding moment.

v     The moment of experiencing is the only time there is.

v     Always have a light to walk toward.

v     Surround yourself with friends who help you to live into the realization of your true self.

v     Surround yourself with people who see your highest potential, and insist that you strive for it.

v     By experiencing completely, we are always and inevitably becoming more.

v     Always test your beliefs. Do not let them define your existence.

v     Do not create your own prison of unexamined limitations.

v     Activity is a veil over the vitality of the unfolding moment.

v     Widen the aperture of your understanding.

v     Your entire life, over time, becomes the meditation.

v     Do not allow yourself to go back to sleep and continue to think you are now awake.

“The most visible creators I know of are those artists whose medium is life itself, the ones who express the inexpressible – without brush, hammer, clay, or guitar. They neither paint nor sculpt – their medium is being. Whatever their presence touches has increased life. They see and don’t have to draw. They are the artists of being alive.” –J. Stone

Encouraged by my aunt, Heidi, I have finally been reading Sarah Susanka’s The Not So Big Life: making room for what really matters. Fantastic book. Oftentimes, when reading “self-help” sort of material, I get easily frustrated and annoyed, for various reasons: (a) often I find them cliché and poorly written, which naturally leads to me thinking (b) I could have written a much better, much more inspiring book, and therefore (c) I’m wasting my time.

However, from the first few pages I have been dually impressed and affected by this soulful, authentic book. Ms. Susanka has copiously collected experiences and moments from her life that, once synthesized, offer us a glimpse at the way life can be lived, and how very far societal norms and values have led us astray. Using her experience as an architect/home designer, she has applied concepts from her life’s work to create a brand new language for living. Through this, she teaches her readers how much we can grow, and how many ways we can learn, merely by being present to the unfolding moments in our lives. My frustration over not having written what I want to write, or not having expressed myself the ways I wish to, should not affect my ability to synthesize new information. Who knows how many opportunities for growth and beauty I have lost due to my inability to look past myself and my own insecurities and misplaced personal frustrations.

Everything I have been learning and realizing these past few years has led me a place where I am ripe with potential. I have been walking this fine precipice between Awake and Asleep. Occasionally I glance over the edge, terrified by all that the fall both has to offer and take from me. Sometimes I worry that if I step that next step, into the beautiful unknown, that I will be even more alone. I will be deemed that much crazier. However, a very deep and elemental part of me assures me this is not the case; it assures me that when I finally take that step, the world will be open to me in ways I never dreamed possible; I will be welcomed into the embrace of the Everything that Is. And I know, deep inside, that I truly can be that change I wish to see in the world.

I have embraced the essential and profound levels of dorkdom within myself, and started a new blog (don’t worry, it’s just an extra bit of madness – I will still blog here).

You can find my other blog here:

Kara Emily’s Bookshelf

And I have nothing more to say for myself.

I have pinpointed some of the reasons for my current  feelings of ennui and misplacement, but reasons have not led to action, and so I am here… existentially stuck.

There are moments where I can barely breathe, and feel the heavy threat of hopelessness hanging over me. I wonder at the point, at the validity, at the necessity, of anything we ever do. Then there are moments when I feel such a shocking sense of joy that I pause, praying for it to stay. I look around, and I wonder what is so special about this moment that I can feel such vitality, such awareness. No answers are given to me, but in those moments I am grateful. In those moments of joy, I am reminded of what I am working towards at all times – to be fully present, alive, and aware. To be happy.

The weather is of no assistance whatsoever, and I wonder often whether I will be able to make it through another Winter in New England. Then again, nothing compares to those first few breezes of Spring… catching you unaware, and suddenly the whole entire earth is pulsating and new… and you feel invincible.

Still waiting for that moment.

So I think this all stems back to a concept I bring up often, introduced by Kierkegaard: “The Dizziness of Freedom.” I have never known a freedom like the one I have experienced in the past year. The freedom of the road is all-encompassing and dizzying. But I found it beautiful, and safe in its own way. The freedom I am experiencing now is much less inspiring, and much more scary. I currently have the ability to choose the direction of my life. I am healthy, young, single, intelligent (that follows being single), educated, and free of any debt. I am in a position to do absolutely anything.

The dizziness of that freedom inspires an anxiety unlike any I have known before.

My anxiety is basically gone, in so many ways. Things and situations that used to cripple me, barely cause a ruffle. In fact, I started writing this blog entry last week, but never finished:

“I’ve been cleaning my room this evening. First of all, I’d like to mention that I found a $300 paycheck. So that’s sweet. Definitely worth the cleaning session. Furthermore, I’ve been sifting through my collection of Fitness, Self, and Health magazine articles that I’ve cut out and organized into folders, being the anal-retentive dorkwad that I am. As I was going through the articles on self-improvement and serenity, etc., I found quite a few that were on the subject of anxiety and stress. I remember now, cutting them out, in a blur of scissors and staples, desperately hoping they could help me – could magically assist me in getting my head in the right place, to help my heart to stop erratically beating.

Now, anywhere between one and five years from the time when those articles were saved, I was able to throw them all away.

I’ve somehow gone from a wound-up ball of nerves and tears to some zenned-out dandelion swaying in the breeze. It’s almost freaky to me, especially since I’m not on any medication to make me this way!”

I never finished that entry, but it felt great to write it. Lately, I have realized how very far I have come – I have grown in ways I was sometimes afraid I never would or could. My self-possession keeps growing and growing. When I speak, or act, or write, it comes directly from my authentic self, rather than some misplaced conceptions about myself or the world.  I am closer to myself than I have ever been.

Yet with this self-possession, comes responsibility. Responsibility to myself, to my dreams, and to the world. Without this awareness, this responsibility, I could simply go on living in the blissful ignorance which so many people seem to manage. Get a job, make some money, complain about my job, spend too much money, and fall into a numb acceptance that this is all life has to offer.

There’s so much more. And I’m capable of living and breathing and creating it. And the dizziness of that freedom is, at times, incapacitating.

Life has been moving a little too fast for me to effectively acknowledge it all in words, but here I am. Giving it a go.

“Woman in Mind” opened this past weekend – constituting my first stage performance in almost two years, so that’s rewarding. I always knew I missed the theatre, but being in such a great play with a group of such great actors really reminds me why I love to do this. I’ve laughed more in the past week than I have in a long time, which is one of the best aspects of being part of a cast.

Amidst the stress and drama of tech week (the week leading up to a play’s opening night), the past few weeks in general have been very trying for me, and have tested me – allowing me to prove how much I’ve grown and how far I’ve come. What would have previously brought me to my knees has merely only caused a few stumbles, and a few tears.

I am stronger, and more self-possessed, than I ever dreamed I could be.

Too tired to get into details at the moment, I will leave things at that for now. The winds of change are still whispering through my life – not as strongly as before, but they’re still there, reminding me something incredible is around the corner. In the meanwhile, I need to continue to get stronger, to be vitally alive – to be ready when the opportunity offers itself to me. Oftentimes, we spend too much time waiting for something to happen, and not enough time preparing.

It’s not just about the opportunities; it’s how we prepare for them. For we shouldn’t just prepare for the worst, but for the best, as well.

It would be a sad thing if we were finally given the opportunity to paint a masterpiece with our lives, but we had not taken the time to learn how to hold the brush.

I’m a bit worried about myself lately. I’m not one to be a hypochondriac, but suddenly I feel like… like I could be dying, or something. Or as though there’s something terrible inside of me that needs to be healed. I could sit here and hope that it’s all  metaphorical, but I’m not so sure this time. I have a doctor’s appointment in a couple weeks, so hopefully that will help me sort things out.

I might have simply overloaded my body, physically. I’ve spent the last 8 days at the gym, for about 2-3 hours a day. It has felt amazing, but then yesterday my body became a bit overwhelmed, and sort of shut down, and reacted strangely. But today it’s snowing outside, and I’m not going anywhere, so I’m going to take it easy.

I’m trying to be as patient as possible, waiting to see what’s around the next corner in my life, but at the same time I’m ready to run around haphazardly and find it myself. However, the way the situation stands, it is much more pragmatic for me to take deep breaths and wait to see what cards I have to play with.

There are a few things I know I need, however.

1. Environment. I need a better environment to live in. The certainly includes my living space, but also the community. I would love to find a place to live that has a good music/arts scene, as well as better weather, and more potential for growth, especially spiritual. Which for me, specifically, would be a place surrounded by beautiful opportunities to be with Nature.

2. Writing. I need to be able to write, and pursue this most important dream of mine. I need to really delve into the process of writing, publishing, marketing – the whole bit. There’s a whole world involved here, and I need to immerse myself in it.

3. Good people. I need to surround myself with really good people – authentic, hard-working people, who make me smile.

4. Panda. Panda has to be there, too.

So that doesn’t seem like too much to ask, eh? I can certainly find that. I’m just really tired of people’s misplaced priorities, repressed emotions, and layers of bitterness. I know there’s a better way to live – I’ve seen it, I’ve done it, and it’s what I want for my life. Even if that means I need to live in a small cabin on the outskirts of society, I’m okay with that. There is so much Joy and Beauty out there – I’m sick of being surrounded by people who couldn’t grasp those components if they were in front of their face. I want to live in a different way. I want to reject all that is currently at the forefront of American society.

However, things may be changing. They may have to, and I think that’s a good thing. Our economy is suffering, and that could bring forth a lot of much-needed changes. A shifting of priorities could be a very good thing.

Anyhow, today is my day of rest. So enough thinking about all that. Perhaps I’ll write a poem. Or brainstorm for a new book.

Barack Obama was inducted as the 44th President of the United States today.

I don’t have too much to say about that, but I thought it deserved mentioning.

In fact, I have about ten book’s worth of things to say about that, but this day has beat me down. I’ve been crying since I woke up. Mostly from incredulous joy and reawakened hope, but basically from every emotion known to induce tears.

It is a beautiful day. And the beauty of this day extends far past Mr. Obama himself – and he knows this, and he is humbled by this – and that very fact humbles me, as well.

Other than 9/11, this is the most important day in the history of my brief life, and upon reflection will hopefully mean more and more as the years progress.

Today, I don’t care what people have to say about the state of the economy or the emptiness of promises or the impossible standards people are holding the President to before he’s even begun. Today, I’m allowing myself to be moved by the words of a man with passion and integrity, and by the fact that this is real life, not a movie or a book. I can not recall the last person who has somehow managed to stir our souls the way Obama has. And this… THIS IS REAL.

A few minutes ago, I was watching Barack dance with his wife, Michelle, at the Neighborhood Ball. Beyonce was singing “At Last,” and Obama was holding his wife, and they were dancing, and everyone was crying, and all I could think was how humbling the entire experience must be. For example – here is Beyonce, looking all gorgeous and being all famous, and yet that moment was probably one of the most profound and humbling experiences of her entire life. In that moment, she was just a singer, offering her gift to the President and his wife, so they could dance together and begin this incredible journey.

I think it’s time the nation possessed a little poetry. And today, I heard poetry. Today, I felt stirred to believe in something again. Regardless of all the realities we face, regardless of all the complex issues to come… today, was a beautiful day.

Today was poetry.

The New Year was hailed with TEFL (Teaching English as a Foreign Language) Grammar modules, and a couple movies at the picture theater. Overall, a good choice.

I was excited to bring in the new year with a new educational pursuit, the TEFL certification. By April 2009, I will be certified to teach English as a Foreign Language (and therefore trained to take working abroad positions, or certain other ESL jobs). It’s exciting to think about all there is to learn in this world, and how many more years I (hopefully) have to expand my knowledge and abilities.

I have also been scouring one of my Christmas presents, Poet’s Market 2009, and making a list of all the awards and contests I want to submit my writing to. I figure it’s about time I start to put myself out there, and make a name for myself. I was starting to get an online following, and then sort of let it go. However, I want to put effort back into my poetry and prose, and pursue the dreams that truly matter to me.

I received a letter of receipt from Harlequin, Mills, & Boon, which was very… anxiety-producing, since at first I thought it was a rejection letter. So… it’s good that it’s not! Haha. They gave me a reference number, and thanked me for submitting “Keeping Pace” which was pretty nice to see the title of my book on a letter with a Harlequin letterhead. Guess I’ll just keep editing and working, working for the Dream.

Overall, things are changing. They’re shifting and altering, and I’m ready for the turning point. I can sense something around the corner; something exciting and a little crazy, and something that I want very much.  I’m ready to choose an opportunity, and continue this process of unfolding, and Living.

Well, the big news in my life right now is that I submitted my book to Harlequin. Harlequin Historicals are currently accepting open submissions (I don’t need to be agented) along with the first three chapters. This implies that they must be looking for new authors… and it implies that I have a chance at moving forward with my dream. Even if I get rejected, this whole process has really opened my eyes. I want to write. More than anything in this world, I want to write.

And I need to write. If I don’t, I know my life will seem unfulfilled, and without purpose. God has bestowed the talent of beautiful words, and beautiful thoughts, in me, and I must translate them into the world, and make it (even slightly) a better place.

Christmas was enjoyable. I worked every day before and after it, but the day itself was very nice, as well as Christmas Eve at the Helbig’s the night before. It was nice to spend Christmas in Charlton with the family; it was warm and cozy and everyone basically got along. I’m shocked by the actions and words of my brother, though, who has somehow grown into a very selfish and superficial person… which I truly didn’t anticipate happening. But there it is. Sadly, he was one of the reasons I wanted to stay in Massachusetts, but now that reason has been taken from me, as well. I wanted as far from him as possible the other day. I’m saddened… saddened by who he is, and by how blind I was to think it wasn’t happening.

Well, big changes are in the works. I’m sure I’ll be back on to write my “End of 2008″ blog entry, but for now, I’ll just say: Change is on the way. I’m half-terrified, half-excited by this prospect, but regardless, I know it must happen.

I haven’t come this far to stop now.

The last few weeks have been hard. They have been painful, and they have been enlightening.

I spent about an hour of my life yesterday sobbing. It started with the typical girly frustration over finding something to wear, and quickly deteriorated into the disillusionment of my dreams and the invalidation of my soul.

I am accused, quite often, of being too emotional. However, the past year I have more than once been concerned with my lack of feeling, my newfound ability to become numb. Yet still, I am accused of being too emotional. Of ‘taking life too seriously,’ ‘thinking too much’, and my favorite – being ‘crazy.’

I refuse to see how it is crazy to look around at the world and want more – to expect more from people. It is not crazy for me to refuse to have my life determined by other people’s values and other people’s expectations. I respect everyone else’s decisions, and yet, somehow, my every breath becomes belittled and questioned for its sanity.

I should clarify, because I by no means intend to generalize here, or refer to everyone in my life. I am referring to the closest people – to the members of my world that are vital and very powerful in my life. Some people’s advice on this is I should simply remove these people from my life. However, family is a very important value to me, and I have fought this long to keep mine relatively intact.

On the other hand, I am finding it hard to breathe.

Each day I am attacked, in various ways, and then accused of being sensitive or paranoid. I am invalidated in ways I never could have imagined another person could make me feel. Perhaps it is true – perhaps I am sensitive, but in that case I do not understand how some people get treated with respect, regardless of their ’sensitivities,’ while others are not.

I am a giver. I give of myself, with unending grace and understanding. This is a quality that is very important to me, and I want to continue to be a person who assists others in opening their eyes to beauty, and giving themselves chances to live more fully, more authentically.

But I am disheartened. And if I shared my feelings with anyone to which I refer, they would merely tell me that I am not well, I am depressed, and that I need help. However, I am not depressed, and I do not need help. In fact, never before have I realized the true potential of my Self – of the fluidity in which people may effect the world if they merely take the effort to stand. I am aware more than ever of my gifts, and my passion, and of the goodness that is laying latent within the earth. So I am not depressed – but I am disheartened.

Disheartened more than anything that the people in my life all hate each other (and sometimes me) almost as much as they hate themselves.

Perhaps hate is a strong word. Perhaps I mean they have merely become all too comfortable in their bitterness and negativity (but let’s all call it being ‘realistic’ since it makes us feel like we’ve grown up, rather than given up.)

And I am disheartened that I have to edit my thoughts and my feelings, because they will never be accepted, or understood, by the people that truly matter to me. Disheartened that the previous paragraphs will probably get me accused of being everything I aforementioned. Because they are provocative, and they are honest, and they are far too Real for anyone in my life to deal with.

In the end, I am disheartened by my environment; it is quite obviously not one in which I can fly – I am barely allowed to glimpse at the sky without being called a tree-hugging, over-emotional dimwit. It has become terribly apparent to me that my choices are dwindling, and I may have to leave. As much as I like my home, my New England, and I feel comfortable here, I am realizing that perhaps God does not wish for me to be comfortable. Every time I have found a modicum of comfort, happiness, and peace in Massachusetts, life has brought me pain too palpable to ignore.

Great choices are made when we are uncomfortable – when our discomfort and our pain force us to find a new path, one in which we can breathe, and grow.

So perhaps I have to ask my pain what it wants from me. I think perhaps I have just repeatedly bandaged myself up, and then wondered why I still find myself bleeding all over the ground. I have covered and recovered a wound, without healing it from within.

I have reached a point where I either learn to become numb to the pain, or I make the choices necessary to heal.

For I know, deep down, that only then… when I heal… do I have the opportunity to do something truly great, truly grace-full… truly holy… with my life.

But I have no idea whether I will be strong enough to take the bandage off the bleeding wound.