Kara Emily’s Hearth

So I definitely shouldn’t be awake. My mom has this terrible habit of wanting to talk to someone (ie. me) before she goes to work. For those who aren’t aware, my mom’s a school teacher, so this means she has the habit of waking me up “to chat” around 5:30 in the morning. Good times.

I feel very blessed. Overwhelmingly blessed.

Woah back up. Not because my mom wakes me up at ungodly hours. Let’s start this entry fresh. From the beginning.

I feel blessed. Overwhelmingly blessed.

The other day… I figured out what this feeling was, burgeoning inside me, stealing my breath. It feels like I AM IN LOVE. But, not having that type of relationship in my life at the moment… I wondered… in love with whom?

And it hit me.

I’m totally, irrevocably, heads over heels in love with God.

I’ve fallen more deeply in love with him than ever before. I trust him explicitly with everything I am – with all my hopes, dreams, talents, desires, thoughts, fears. I hide nothing from him, and he offers everything to me.  For he loves me so unconditionally. Think about that – unconditionally – without conditions. He loves me without conditions.

So I feel blessed.

It helps that there are currently so many wonderful people in my life. I have never felt so loved by the people around me. I go to rehearsal, and feel consistently adored by these fantastic people… gosh, how they make me smile. How they make me honored to know them. And now I have all these new friends – in and out of the theater. New (and some old) that have come into my life, either again or for the first time. GOOD people – people who make me smile, who make me feel special, who make me feel ALIVE.

I didn’t get the job – the one I’d been waiting to hear back from. And I’m okay with that. I knew something wasn’t right about it. The thing is: if I didn’t get the job, the plan was to leave. Live somewhere else for a while. But suddenly I feel so blessed, and suddenly I’m surrounded by all these wonderful people… all this opportunity. It makes me think twice. It makes me want to hang around and see what happens… what grows… what becomes. 

Regardless, I feel blessed.

I can’t stop smiling. And I can only hope and pray that this isn’t one of those fickle happinesses, that comes and goes with the passing days. What implies to me that this is otherwise… is this deep awareness in my self. I feel as old as time… I feel as though everything is clear to me, everything is peaceful… everything is as it should be. Pain and sadness will come and go, but His love for me remains. My integrity and passions remain. My ability to create and love and stay alive remain… so I will continue to do all those things, and be faithful, and thankful. And become more and more… become more each day.

Things will change, of course. I will make decisions that will alter this place that I’m in. I will choose to spend more time with certain people, to give my heart to them or offer them pieces of me. Some pieces of me will get broken again. I will alter my environment eventually, I will get a job eventually, this wonderful production I’m performing  in closes on Sunday… many things will happen that have the potential to change this current state of wonder I stand in… but I trust… I trust. I trust that Love always remains, and my heart will remain strong and pure… and whatever decisions I make will be initiated from this authentic, beautiful place inside me.

He made eye contact with me in this beautiful, powerful way. It was the type of eye contact you can’t look away from. The type of eye contact I’d been waiting for. It made me excited, and curious. And happy he was mine.

Little did I know. So much was behind those eyes. The truth sat there, bulbous and beautiful, filling his eyes with something dark and deep… something that drew me in and held me breathless.

The truth was that he wasn’t mine at all.

I’m conflicted.

Conflicted, because I’m not sure what scares me more: acquiring a well-paying, respectable job in Worcester, MA, or traveling the country – penniless, aimless, and alone.

Conflicted because I’m pretty sure the second option is the one that’s right for me. However, tomorrow I have an interview with a well-known company, and if they offer me a job, I know I will take it.

How different my life will be. Or… how the same.

I’m conflicted because the rational side of me keeps reminding me that I’m basically broke, while the spirit side of me reminds me that the road provides; God provides. I have never been without. And what I need, more than anything, is to keep my soul alive. To maintain the joy I have discovered these past couple years – the joy that comes with nurturing a courageous sense of self – exploring the world with my bare hands. Writing poetry with my actions, and with my words.

But I’m spoiled.

I’m spoiled, because I can even talk about such things. I have a roof over my head, and my momma’s pot roast in my belly. I have a father that pays my cell phone bill, and an education I acquired with the intelligence I was given by God. I have the opportunity to talk of dreams and spirit and adventure, because worries about paying the rent and feeding the children and keeping warm are not in the forefront of my mind.

So I’m spoiled. And conflicted. And a dreamer.

There must be a balance to it all. Usually, I can maintain some sort of equilibrium, but at a crossroads such as this, it is easy to sway with the winds of indecisiveness & temptation. However, it is equally as tempting to take a well-paying job as it is to traipse about the country. Conflicting sides of me have very persuasive arguments for either option.

In the end, perhaps it will all be completely out of my hands. In the end, perhaps neither option will be truly available to me. What I must remember is this: the beautiful fact of the matter is that I have options at all. I am blessed. I am blessed to have the opportunity… for opportunity.

I have apparently abandoned this blog. However, in deed only, not in spirit. I think about this place, sometimes. About all my thoughts colliding and conglomerating here over the past year or so. About how much I have changed since I first opened its pages. I miss writing; I miss the incessant need to write, write, write. I still have the desire, somewhere within my fingertips, but it doesn’t spill over as much as I would like it to.

I’ve been busy trying to stay alive, to stay fully afloat, breathing in the air. Various obstructions and darknesses try to drag me down, submerge me underwater for a while, but I’ve been effectively resisting, thus far. And I feel myself growing ever stronger each day, even if it’s only in small increments, small little spurts of growth and understanding. At least I’m heading in the right direction – at least I’m maintaining all that I have gained, and pursuing all that I continue to want for my life. I keep reminding myself that I haven’t come this far just to settle. I didn’t throw away the chains only to replace them with ropes. I rejected mediocrity, and I pursued outstanding, and I should settle for nothing less than amazing.

Almost two months since my last post. I’ve had a lot to think about since then, and writing about it apparently wasn’t on my mind.

Time has been somewhat of a dilemma for me lately.  I feel it pressing upon me. I think of the mountains and the sky and the road, and I feel so claustrophobic without them. A desperate part of me is urging me forward, towards something invisible and great. I am brave, but I do not know whether I am brave enough.

Sometimes I fear my existential worries will get the best of me. Sometimes I fear going crazy, the way I worry about things while no one else seems too concerned. People quickly change the subject whenever I delve too deeply into my soul. Sometimes I wish I could just think about work and relationships and gas money and sex and food and television. Sometimes I really wish I could find solace in all those things, the way so many seem to do. But I wouldn’t really be alive. And not being alive is my predominant fear these days.

There is so much to do, to see. So much to experience. I have so much inside me. I have the potential to do great things. It’s not hubris that pushes me forward – I know now that I am not proud, I’m not cocky. I have spent so much time afraid of looking proud. But I’m beginning to feel as though… if I let my light fade, I am doing a disservice to the world. God has given me gifts, and if I do not share them, I am wasting my life. Wasting who I am.

Delusions of grandeur? Maybe. Perhaps I need a big ol’ dose of reality. Who knows. All I know is there has been this pressing awareness inside me, for years. For a while I was able to cover it up with classwork and honors and recognition and everything society expected from me… but it’s not enough. I wasn’t actually fulfilling my destiny. I don’t want recognition from anybody else. I’m not looking for anything outside of myself… I just want to give all that I am.

My words. I need to use my words for a higher purpose. I need to infuse people’s lives with light. And love. I need to love people in ways no one has ever loved.

I need to give of myself until I evaporate into the earth and become a part of the roots of the tree.

 I have created the following list of “reminders” based upon my reading of Sarah Susanka’s book The Not So Big Life: making room for what really matters. My intention with this list is to have a resource to refer to that will allow me to continuously and repeatedly keep myself Awake.

Every line of this list could involve a lifetime of contemplation and learning; most of these concepts are so eternal and true that they represent an ancient and profound awareness in each of us.

I hope everyone, at least once in their lives, takes the time to sit with these ideas, one at a time, and expand the shivering awareness of beauty into their lives.

Kara Emily’s ‘Not So Big Life’:

v     Make a time and place for solitude.

v     Experience, but do not attach, judge, or identify with anything.

v     Focus on what you want, not on what you don’t want.

v     Be obedient to the situation.

v     Do one thing at a time.

v     Follow the synchronicities.

v     There is nothing wrong.

v     Everything has the potential to teach you. Look with the eyes of a student.

v     Who or what is deciding there isn’t time?

v     Reactivity is always the result of conditioned patterns and confused thinking, and it’s a flag indicating the presence of a filter over reality.

v     Being in your doing.

v     Surround yourself with objects of delight.

v     Be effective, not efficient.

v     Focus on the meaning, not the contents of your life.

v     Everything is sacred and profound; do not plod along without awareness.

v     The world is just reflecting you back to you. Everything is a reflection.

v     Step outside the experience and be the director of your life.

v     You are much more whole, capable, and profound than the caricature of your personality.

v     Do what is in front of you to do.

v     Do not fall for the container version of time. Do not limit your possibilities.

v     Remember that you do not need to engage or identify with “the” thoughts. They are not yours.

v     The premium you place on your own health and sanity should be nonnegotiable.

v     Repeatedly wake yourself up.

v     Identify what isn’t working.

v     The only problem is the way you are looking at things.

v     Make room for something new.

v     Follow your passions.

v     Do now waste your time reacting to things that are in the past.

v     Presence is now, and now is eternal, without boundary.

v     Time is not a linear progression, but one continuously unfolding moment.

v     The moment of experiencing is the only time there is.

v     Always have a light to walk toward.

v     Surround yourself with friends who help you to live into the realization of your true self.

v     Surround yourself with people who see your highest potential, and insist that you strive for it.

v     By experiencing completely, we are always and inevitably becoming more.

v     Always test your beliefs. Do not let them define your existence.

v     Do not create your own prison of unexamined limitations.

v     Activity is a veil over the vitality of the unfolding moment.

v     Widen the aperture of your understanding.

v     Your entire life, over time, becomes the meditation.

v     Do not allow yourself to go back to sleep and continue to think you are now awake.

Encouraged by my aunt, Heidi, I have finally been reading Sarah Susanka’s The Not So Big Life: making room for what really matters. Fantastic book. Oftentimes, when reading “self-help” sort of material, I get easily frustrated and annoyed, for various reasons: (a) often I find them cliché and poorly written, which naturally leads to me thinking (b) I could have written a much better, much more inspiring book, and therefore (c) I’m wasting my time.

However, from the first few pages I have been dually impressed and affected by this soulful, authentic book. Ms. Susanka has copiously collected experiences and moments from her life that, once synthesized, offer us a glimpse at the way life can be lived, and how very far societal norms and values have led us astray. Using her experience as an architect/home designer, she has applied concepts from her life’s work to create a brand new language for living. Through this, she teaches her readers how much we can grow, and how many ways we can learn, merely by being present to the unfolding moments in our lives. My frustration over not having written what I want to write, or not having expressed myself the ways I wish to, should not affect my ability to synthesize new information. Who knows how many opportunities for growth and beauty I have lost due to my inability to look past myself and my own insecurities and misplaced personal frustrations.

Everything I have been learning and realizing these past few years has led me a place where I am ripe with potential. I have been walking this fine precipice between Awake and Asleep. Occasionally I glance over the edge, terrified by all that the fall both has to offer and take from me. Sometimes I worry that if I step that next step, into the beautiful unknown, that I will be even more alone. I will be deemed that much crazier. However, a very deep and elemental part of me assures me this is not the case; it assures me that when I finally take that step, the world will be open to me in ways I never dreamed possible; I will be welcomed into the embrace of the Everything that Is. And I know, deep inside, that I truly can be that change I wish to see in the world.

I have embraced the essential and profound levels of dorkdom within myself, and started a new blog (don’t worry, it’s just an extra bit of madness – I will still blog here).

You can find my other blog here:

Kara Emily’s Bookshelf

And I have nothing more to say for myself.

I have pinpointed some of the reasons for my current  feelings of ennui and misplacement, but reasons have not led to action, and so I am here… existentially stuck.

There are moments where I can barely breathe, and feel the heavy threat of hopelessness hanging over me. I wonder at the point, at the validity, at the necessity, of anything we ever do. Then there are moments when I feel such a shocking sense of joy that I pause, praying for it to stay. I look around, and I wonder what is so special about this moment that I can feel such vitality, such awareness. No answers are given to me, but in those moments I am grateful. In those moments of joy, I am reminded of what I am working towards at all times – to be fully present, alive, and aware. To be happy.

The weather is of no assistance whatsoever, and I wonder often whether I will be able to make it through another Winter in New England. Then again, nothing compares to those first few breezes of Spring… catching you unaware, and suddenly the whole entire earth is pulsating and new… and you feel invincible.

Still waiting for that moment.

So I think this all stems back to a concept I bring up often, introduced by Kierkegaard: “The Dizziness of Freedom.” I have never known a freedom like the one I have experienced in the past year. The freedom of the road is all-encompassing and dizzying. But I found it beautiful, and safe in its own way. The freedom I am experiencing now is much less inspiring, and much more scary. I currently have the ability to choose the direction of my life. I am healthy, young, single, intelligent (that follows being single), educated, and free of any debt. I am in a position to do absolutely anything.

The dizziness of that freedom inspires an anxiety unlike any I have known before.

My anxiety is basically gone, in so many ways. Things and situations that used to cripple me, barely cause a ruffle. In fact, I started writing this blog entry last week, but never finished:

“I’ve been cleaning my room this evening. First of all, I’d like to mention that I found a $300 paycheck. So that’s sweet. Definitely worth the cleaning session. Furthermore, I’ve been sifting through my collection of Fitness, Self, and Health magazine articles that I’ve cut out and organized into folders, being the anal-retentive dorkwad that I am. As I was going through the articles on self-improvement and serenity, etc., I found quite a few that were on the subject of anxiety and stress. I remember now, cutting them out, in a blur of scissors and staples, desperately hoping they could help me – could magically assist me in getting my head in the right place, to help my heart to stop erratically beating.

Now, anywhere between one and five years from the time when those articles were saved, I was able to throw them all away.

I’ve somehow gone from a wound-up ball of nerves and tears to some zenned-out dandelion swaying in the breeze. It’s almost freaky to me, especially since I’m not on any medication to make me this way!”

I never finished that entry, but it felt great to write it. Lately, I have realized how very far I have come – I have grown in ways I was sometimes afraid I never would or could. My self-possession keeps growing and growing. When I speak, or act, or write, it comes directly from my authentic self, rather than some misplaced conceptions about myself or the world.  I am closer to myself than I have ever been.

Yet with this self-possession, comes responsibility. Responsibility to myself, to my dreams, and to the world. Without this awareness, this responsibility, I could simply go on living in the blissful ignorance which so many people seem to manage. Get a job, make some money, complain about my job, spend too much money, and fall into a numb acceptance that this is all life has to offer.

There’s so much more. And I’m capable of living and breathing and creating it. And the dizziness of that freedom is, at times, incapacitating.

Life has been moving a little too fast for me to effectively acknowledge it all in words, but here I am. Giving it a go.

“Woman in Mind” opened this past weekend – constituting my first stage performance in almost two years, so that’s rewarding. I always knew I missed the theatre, but being in such a great play with a group of such great actors really reminds me why I love to do this. I’ve laughed more in the past week than I have in a long time, which is one of the best aspects of being part of a cast.

Amidst the stress and drama of tech week (the week leading up to a play’s opening night), the past few weeks in general have been very trying for me, and have tested me – allowing me to prove how much I’ve grown and how far I’ve come. What would have previously brought me to my knees has merely only caused a few stumbles, and a few tears.

I am stronger, and more self-possessed, than I ever dreamed I could be.

Too tired to get into details at the moment, I will leave things at that for now. The winds of change are still whispering through my life – not as strongly as before, but they’re still there, reminding me something incredible is around the corner. In the meanwhile, I need to continue to get stronger, to be vitally alive – to be ready when the opportunity offers itself to me. Oftentimes, we spend too much time waiting for something to happen, and not enough time preparing.

It’s not just about the opportunities; it’s how we prepare for them. For we shouldn’t just prepare for the worst, but for the best, as well.

It would be a sad thing if we were finally given the opportunity to paint a masterpiece with our lives, but we had not taken the time to learn how to hold the brush.

I’m a bit worried about myself lately. I’m not one to be a hypochondriac, but suddenly I feel like… like I could be dying, or something. Or as though there’s something terrible inside of me that needs to be healed. I could sit here and hope that it’s all  metaphorical, but I’m not so sure this time. I have a doctor’s appointment in a couple weeks, so hopefully that will help me sort things out.

I might have simply overloaded my body, physically. I’ve spent the last 8 days at the gym, for about 2-3 hours a day. It has felt amazing, but then yesterday my body became a bit overwhelmed, and sort of shut down, and reacted strangely. But today it’s snowing outside, and I’m not going anywhere, so I’m going to take it easy.

I’m trying to be as patient as possible, waiting to see what’s around the next corner in my life, but at the same time I’m ready to run around haphazardly and find it myself. However, the way the situation stands, it is much more pragmatic for me to take deep breaths and wait to see what cards I have to play with.

There are a few things I know I need, however.

1. Environment. I need a better environment to live in. The certainly includes my living space, but also the community. I would love to find a place to live that has a good music/arts scene, as well as better weather, and more potential for growth, especially spiritual. Which for me, specifically, would be a place surrounded by beautiful opportunities to be with Nature.

2. Writing. I need to be able to write, and pursue this most important dream of mine. I need to really delve into the process of writing, publishing, marketing – the whole bit. There’s a whole world involved here, and I need to immerse myself in it.

3. Good people. I need to surround myself with really good people – authentic, hard-working people, who make me smile.

4. Panda. Panda has to be there, too.

So that doesn’t seem like too much to ask, eh? I can certainly find that. I’m just really tired of people’s misplaced priorities, repressed emotions, and layers of bitterness. I know there’s a better way to live – I’ve seen it, I’ve done it, and it’s what I want for my life. Even if that means I need to live in a small cabin on the outskirts of society, I’m okay with that. There is so much Joy and Beauty out there – I’m sick of being surrounded by people who couldn’t grasp those components if they were in front of their face. I want to live in a different way. I want to reject all that is currently at the forefront of American society.

However, things may be changing. They may have to, and I think that’s a good thing. Our economy is suffering, and that could bring forth a lot of much-needed changes. A shifting of priorities could be a very good thing.

Anyhow, today is my day of rest. So enough thinking about all that. Perhaps I’ll write a poem. Or brainstorm for a new book.

Barack Obama was inducted as the 44th President of the United States today.

I don’t have too much to say about that, but I thought it deserved mentioning.

In fact, I have about ten book’s worth of things to say about that, but this day has beat me down. I’ve been crying since I woke up. Mostly from incredulous joy and reawakened hope, but basically from every emotion known to induce tears.

It is a beautiful day. And the beauty of this day extends far past Mr. Obama himself – and he knows this, and he is humbled by this – and that very fact humbles me, as well.

Other than 9/11, this is the most important day in the history of my brief life, and upon reflection will hopefully mean more and more as the years progress.

Today, I don’t care what people have to say about the state of the economy or the emptiness of promises or the impossible standards people are holding the President to before he’s even begun. Today, I’m allowing myself to be moved by the words of a man with passion and integrity, and by the fact that this is real life, not a movie or a book. I can not recall the last person who has somehow managed to stir our souls the way Obama has. And this… THIS IS REAL.

A few minutes ago, I was watching Barack dance with his wife, Michelle, at the Neighborhood Ball. Beyonce was singing “At Last,” and Obama was holding his wife, and they were dancing, and everyone was crying, and all I could think was how humbling the entire experience must be. For example – here is Beyonce, looking all gorgeous and being all famous, and yet that moment was probably one of the most profound and humbling experiences of her entire life. In that moment, she was just a singer, offering her gift to the President and his wife, so they could dance together and begin this incredible journey.

I think it’s time the nation possessed a little poetry. And today, I heard poetry. Today, I felt stirred to believe in something again. Regardless of all the realities we face, regardless of all the complex issues to come… today, was a beautiful day.

Today was poetry.